I am really good at Scrabble. Seriously, I’m not joking. I even roughly know how many points each of the letters are worth. Instead of instinctively typing I can look at the keyboard and even within ‘qwerty’ can spot words such as; type, try, wet, re, et, ye. I don’t even need any human interaction. I can just sit with my iPhone and play… constantly.
Why? Why on Earth?! Why word fence with myself like this. It isn’t doing me any good. I keep confusing reality with the virtual reality and look for points in all the words I write. This mental break down makes perfect sense though. It does!
Since trying to give up smoking this is what has happened to me. Strange thing is I am absolutely helpless in the wake of this habit. It is so very strong, giving up recently has equated to a four day streak. Just four days? Just useless Michael, how useless you really are. The primary reason for my lack of will-power is that I LOVE smoking.
Oh yes, the smooth smell of tobacco. Even the fresh smell of cigarettes in the morning. Perhaps with a cup of coffee just before lectures. Nothing beats it. I would much rather be a smoker than an alcoholic. Let’s face it. With my addictive personality I could swing both ways (this is a joke…).
Scrabble offers me the protection from my busy head that demands to light up. Consequently trying to relax is hellish. One of the peculiar factors about smoking is that cigarette just before bed. Almost all smokers have it. A stimulant just as you are about to sleep. Curiously it is this last cigarette of the day which is hardest to beat. It demands attention and without it you can be guaranteed a night just thinking about it.
What is this utter nonsense which I am typing about though? Surely the cravings of this leaf show how pathetic I have become as a human. To demand this juicy nicotine is perfectly acceptable. It is the tar of the cigarette, all those 9000 other chemicals, which are the damaging ones.
Strange thing about stopping smoking, even for a few days, is that you do feel better. Breathing instantly eases up, although it is difficult to notice at first. Smell comes back and at times you do feel very relaxed. It shudders me to think that for the past 2 years every hour of the day has been spent worrying about the next cigarette. It is a topic that runs around my mind.
So this is the part of the blog post where I proudly proclaim,
“No More! Enough with this filthy habit.”
I’m afraid not. Instead I am just going to keep playing Scrabble and see what happens. Who knows? I might even beat my score of 299 points.